Six-and-a-Half New Years Resolutions That Have Already Failed At Work
New Year’s resolutions: A lot of us make them and most of us fail. Here are the six-and-a-half most popular workplace promises bound for disaster in 2015:
1. I resolve to always un-jam the jam in the copier. This is well intentioned, but rarely executed. You tried to print the agenda for the meeting that starts in two minutes and now the copier is jammed. Well, I suppose you could just look at the agenda on your phone. And nobody’s looking, so with the red light flashing, you slowly back away from the beast.
2. I will always refill the coffee maker if I take the last cup. And here you are, on the first day back to work finishing the pot. But it is 11 AM and coffee is more of an early morning thing, right? So I’m sure nobody else is going to want coffee today. But just to be safe, wipe your fingerprints off the handle with a napkin and the evidence that you were ever there is destroyed.
3. I will harness my minesweeper addiction. You told yourself you wouldn’t play this game anymore. Nobody, except you, has been playing it since the 90s. But here you are, shamelessly sweeping the mines in black & white on company time.
4. I will not pretend to get a phone call to excuse myself from a meeting. A year is a long time to keep this promise, especially considering two hours into your first workday back and 20 minutes into this meeting, you just can’t stand it. “Excuse me, I have to take this.”
5. I will not waste time on social media. But then you thought, “Oh, just this once…” And that once led to seeing a picture of your cousin Chuck passed out on New Year’s Eve. And that makes you laugh, so you scroll just a little further and you see the cutest niece on the planet! She’s six months old but easily has the cognitive skills of an eight month old. Oh and look, scroll a little further and there’s a viral video of someone burping jingle bells. This could go on for hours.
6. I will not use my privacy screen for sports viewing. Yeah, you did say you wouldn’t watch sports anymore at work, but you didn’t see all 473 bowl games last week and you’ll have to see the highlights at some point. And of course you have ESPN saved as a favorite, so it’s only a click away. [click]
And 6.5: I will not gossip. This is a big promise and frankly, it’s not possible. After all, did you see what Gertrude did at the company party? The video you posted to youtube of her dancing on the bar doesn’t do justice to her inebriated state. She was quite the show and she must be talked about for a few months, anyway. Then you can quit cold turkey.
So there you have it. The six-and-a-half kickoff for 2015! I’d love to hear from you so be sure to add your own failed resolutions below!